I received a grant to research at
the International Marian Research Institute at the University of Dayton. They
have some incredible late medieval and early modern sources about the Virgin
Mary, and are relevant to my dissertation. I am placing a lot of hope and
expectation in this trip. After my colloquium (an intensive workshop) in
November, and facing suggestions for serious revision and restructuring in my
dissertation, it just was hard to summon the motivation, and courage (yes,
there is often the feeling of needing to be brave to write) to write and tackle
the dissertation. The feelings of defeat, and discouragement, resonated a lot
louder than my goals for completion and motivation. I’m trying to quiet those
enough and find the New Year and new semester as motivation to get past this
hump and mental block.
I am trying so hard to envision the
finish line, even though it is over a year away. When it comes down to it, I’ve
always had big goals, ones that require long-term planning and execution, but
this is the longest. I’m going to be counting on more people for help, support,
and encouragement, than I’ve ever demanded. Otherwise, if I just let it all
fester in my head, accountable only to myself, my head will explode and I’ll
burn out way too soon.
I want to finish I want to finish I
want to finish I want to finish. I have to keep saying that to remember that
this is actually the goal – my goal.
For the next two weeks, I’ll either
be in the library or in my hotel room, with my laptop as my only roommate. I
need to write and be productive, to go balls to the wall and crank out some
decent material.
I hope I can look back at this trip
with fondness and nostalgia. I’ll be able to link this trip with memories of
solid writing and innovative thinking. When future grad students ask for
advice, I want to cite this trip as inspiration, recalling with a smile, “Those
were the golden days – I was able to accomplish so much and it changed my
mentality for the dissertation in the final stretch.”
I recall two different New Year’s
and new semesters, coincidentally, both odd years, like this one, where I took
on a gung-ho attitude, and ultimately, had a profound impact on my life:
January 2011. January 10, 2011 was
my first day of classes of the semester, and also, the first day of going
gluten-free after my December 2010 diagnosis of celiac disease. I looked at
everything as shiny and new, filled with possibilities. On that Monday, I was
at the swimming pool by 7AM for my double-days of workouts (this was also my first
day of training for my best marathon ever – Boston). I then cleaned up, dressed
in professional drab of grey and black (I still have the top and remember the
memories of wearing it on that day) for a directed readings course with one of
my beloved professors. It was a grueling one-on-one one-hour session, every
Monday morning at 9AM – what a way to start the week. But as the weeks
progressed, our conversations progressed and the dialogue became all the more
compelling. I became stronger mentally, I gained physical strength in my
training, and my insides began to heal as I adjusted to my new diet. I ran a
personal best of 3:27 later that spring, and found I had experienced a large
mental shift in my thinking and training as a budding historian.
January 2013. I sat down and made a
list of goals, with my then-boyfriend, now husband, by my side, agreeing to
support me and push me. The big professional goal was to get my dissertation
proposal passed. Over MLK weekend (now fast approaching once again), I sat in
the desk he made for me, occasionally gazed out the window, and wrote the first
draft of the proposal that eventually passed later that spring.
With both of these memories in
mind, I am at the eve of another odd-year January semester full of hope and
anticipation. I still need to write out some concrete goals, but the dream is
out there. Now it’s time to make it count.
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