I'm not thinking of things like spiders or snakes, but the other things that aren't hiding under the bed, but crawling around in our heads.
I am in the very early stages of researching a topic for my dissertation. I have some ideas in mind, but no matter what, I am staring down at the starting line of a very long project. We just a department workshop on Friday to talk about the proposal - the document I have to submit (and get approved by a whole bunch of people) - and I am not going to lie, it freaked me out a bit. Because from here on out in the PhD program, things are a bit nebulous and murky. While I have goals about what I want to do and when I want to finish, it is a very imprecise and uncertain thing. And I am a big planner: I like certainty and schedules, and it is a little hard to just have to trust the process.
And I do have some fear with this - it is a tall order and it is definitely something I have never done before. I remember have some fear and skepticism with the marathon - but it was a 6 month process leading up to the big day, not years and years. Everything so far has gone on track with my program, so I should not worry too much. But I still have reason to worry - people don't just crank out PhDs.
So, I am acknowledging my fear - fear of the unknown, but I am hoping that in saying it out loud, I can manage it a little better than keeping it bottled up.
A few friends of mine who are in the program stayed at school working pretty late on Friday. When I was walking home at 10, a little freaked out from the day, I played "Find your grail" from the musical Spamalot. Not only is the song great, but the medieval references are just great - plus, it goes on an on about achieving your goals and saying "you won't fail."
Life is really up to you,
Pretty uplifting and a nice reminder that all big dreams are accompanied with some fear and doubt.
Today, our mini cold spell had broken - the ice was gone, the sun was out, and it was a beautiful day - perfect for a track workout. Quite the opposite of last week's workout: cold and rainy.
2.5 mile warm-up; 2000m cut-down (start at 7:05 pace and get faster with each lap); 2 lap jog; 4 x 1200. Aim for about 5:15 to start and cut down 2-3 seconds per interval, 500 meter jog between each; 2.5 cool-down. Total=10.5 miles
I remember when I first started working with Sarah 2 years ago, I was not always steady with the 2k cutdown. It is a nice way to start the workout, but I used to have a hard time getting a little faster with each lap. Much better this time: I did the whole thing in 8:40 (6:58 pace) and started at 7:05 pace and managed to work my way down. The 2 lap jog is always great - long enough to almost feel like you're starting fresh and hitting the reset button. I was really happy with how the 4 x 1200 went: 5:15, 5:12, 5:08, 5:02. A little too fast at the end, but I felt good, and managed to average under 7 minute pace for the entire workout.
When there is a bit of fear and doubt, a workout like that is a good reminder that things take time and I can succeed. I couldn't have done a workout at this pace a year ago, but here I am today, feeling like I could've pushed a lot harder!